God has this wonderful habit of testing whatever it is I just committed to doing. Isn’t that just lovely? I talk to myself outloud and convince myself to yet again remember to trust in Him. I verbally remind myself to stop whining about the ‘unfairness’ of life and choose hope. I conjure up as many Bible verses as possible while I drive and speak them outloud, letting them soothe my soul.
And what happens the minute I walk through the door? I’m told a family friend is pregnant…again, I get an email update from another preggers friend, and I receive a baby shower invitation in the mail.
Now, I try not to be too dramatic about things (this statement is tongue in cheek for those of you who really know me), but seriously–how much more could I be hit with? I can only stand up under so much before I just collapse! I can only go so long before I’m ready to shout–“That’s IT! I’m DONE! Forget it!” And yet, what am I quitting on? What am I forgetting? God? God Himself? I think I can just tell Him I’m fed up and walk away forever? Like that’s going to help. I’m so incredibly tired of waiting, wanting, hoping, stuffing, sobbing, wishing, trusting, hiding, smiling, continuing on in the face of complete and utter disappointment. I don’t even talk about it anymore; what’s the point? No one understands, and to be honest, I’m kind of tired of the sympathetic half smiles. Not that I don’t appreciate it, but I’m just tired of being that girl.
I know I need the Lord, but I sure am tired of being tested. But, I can’t do this on my own. If I had to … well, that would just suck.