As a blogger, if I can really call myself that, I tend to mull over my blogs for a few days before I actually form them into words that appear on this screen. For a few days now, I’ve been percolating … the next blog was going to be titled “Life’s Not Fair … Kristin–get over it.” See, I have this incredibly deep seeded belief that life should be fair. I’m sure it comes from my childhood, though I can’t really tell you how. Perhaps a psychologist could.
The blog was going to list all the ways life should be fair, but isn’t.
You know, like how it’s not fair that Erik and I have been trying for 2 years to get pregnant, and still don’t have a child.
It’s not fair that husbands and new daddies get deployed overseas.
Or like how a close friend of mine lost another pregnancy.
It’s not fair that some are out of work and can’t find a job.
Or like how it’s not fair that I’ve had to start over mentally on this “trying to conceive journey” but that doesn’t mean I can forget the first year and a half of trying, even though it didn’t really count.
I could list a million ways that life isn’t fair … but what good would that do?
That was going to be the title of the blog, but please notice: It’s Not.
Singing along to “Lose my Soul”, I suddenly realized I was singing these words:
“All eyes are on You, Lord … Don’t wanna lose my soul … I’d give it all for You Lord…”
And instantly “Even children?” rang through my ears.
Yes, Lord, not even my deepest desire is worth losing You.
This shocked me.
I realized in an instant how selfish I’ve been. How self-centered, how single-minded, how narrow-minded … how childish. Yes, it’s unfair. No, it doesn’t seem right. If life was fair and all was right, I would have a 1 1/2 year old. If life was fair and all was right, there would be no miscarriage.
But that wouldn’t change Him at all. My questions don’t change Who He is.
He is “I AM”