2007: A Year Lost

A glance into last year’s “End of the Year” recap. 2008’s is brewing …

Needless to say, if you’ve kept up with my life at all, 2007 was a tumultuous year. Starting off the year with a miscarriage should have been an indicator to me I guess.

I look back over the year and am in awe of how absolutely not myself I was. Who was I? Where did Kristin go??Normally fairly positive, optimistic, energetic and bubbly, I was down, depressed, and basically floated through the year without even realizing that time was passing. It’s incredible how a year can pass and one day, suddenly, you’re awakened to the truth that you didn’t really live it. Sure, I walked, I worked, I traveled, I even did a full year of grad school. But I didn’t really live. I was so focused on what I’d lost, what I was still not receiving, and what others had (by accident even) that I still didn’t, that I almost forgot to live.

It’s hard to look back and think these things…to realize that I was not me. That I, in fact, wasted a year. Yet, how could I have functioned at any higher level? When you are a mother, even if it is just the mother of a barely beating embryo, you are still a mother. And when that little life is taken from you, what else can you do but die a little yourself? I’m amazed that I found the strength to go on.

On that note, I cannot imagine having an abortion. I did have one, but my baby was already dead. The pain, the understanding of what the doctor was doing….how can someone do that when the embryo or fetus is actually alive? With a beating heart? This, I will never understand.

I trust that I will be a mother. I have to–I have no other option. To endure 2 miscarriages and still keep on trying–that requires enormous amounts of trust and hope. Hope–that’s a good word. I don’t think I’ve truly ever had to hope before. It’s hard.

2007 is blurry to me. I do associate pain, sorrow and longing with it though, amidst the blur. Hopefully, 2008 can be a better year. While we still may not have a successful pregnancy, though of course I’m hoping for one, I think I’ve broken out of the fog.

Perhaps this year, I can be me again, except for those little parts that died right along with my babies.

About kristinlindeen

I am Kristin. I am Erik's wife. I am Joshua, Rebecca, and Andrew's mom. I am known nationally as the "QBQ! Daughter" and keynote on Personal Accountability and the QBQ. I am certified in Myers Briggs and am passionate about helping people understand themselves and others better. I am John and Karen's daughter. I am sister to many, mentor to some, friend to others. Most defining, I am Christ's daughter, adopted by God--rescued and saved by grace. And almost every single day, I need to be reminded of that truth. Come say "hi" at www.QBQ.com and of course, browse the blog! I'd love to hear from you, so comment away!
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2 Responses to 2007: A Year Lost

  1. I will hope along with you.– Jenny Fugler (I can’t get off of my brother’s username)

  2. Amber Lianne says:

    Hey love… I hear you. I know I have not been functioning at the level I would wish, and even as lies are being pumped into me at every level, and I do not understand what God is doing or not doing… Why does He seem to indicate to me promises and then seem so silent? He feels cruel sometimes. There are so many dream I would wish I could see completed in life, and you know, I have to say that sometimes when I feel especially disheartened, I am encouraged by you. Because you are honest and go through much in your soul. And so, I can pray. And how I pray for you, for your heart! And with this new year, I promise, I shall be praying for you to have a little one a part of your family. That God would grant you the grace and miracle of a new life and pregnancy. How much, indeed, has God brought us through! I desperately wish for His voice. Something, God. Just do something to change my circumstances. For the better. Dear one, I know–I MUST know–that there are brighter days ahead. May you find wholeness and rest. May each part of you that has died or become resigned to sorrow and agony find some peace. Dear one, you are loved. So much! Thank you so much for being real and continuing to write.

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