Innocence Lost

Pregnancy is an amazing gift. A joyous surprise. A wonderful piece of news to share.

But it’s different when you’ve miscarried.

There’s hesitancy, a lack of excitement. Doubt rules, and fears overwhelm. Where jumping and screaming should occur, looks of concern mixed with tiny bits of hope appear instead.

Once I experienced the innocent bliss of announcing a pregnancy. Just once. And probably never again. That one time will always stick in my mind; I hold it close to my heart. That baby never came to be, but for one precious month, one short, short month, we were excited. We were unconcerned. We did not fear. We got to do the “we’re pregnant!” excited phase.

Sure, we’ve now reached that phase with this pregnancy, and of course, the excitement is bubbling and the joy is inexplicable. But the day I took that test, the moment I saw the plus sign, the “pregnant” reading, the double line, I didn’t jump for joy. I hyperventilated. I collapsed in fear. I froze in doubt. Miscarriage steals the initial joy from pregnancy.

When I told my family, they weren’t sure how to respond. I’m pretty sure my Mom’s words were, “Okaaaay…and how do we feel about this?” It wasn’t an incorrect response on her part—it was a response based out of months and months of hoping and crying and wanting and waiting. It was a response based out of, not blissful, innocent joy, but out of fear of more hurt, more pain, more disappointment.

I’m so excited to be pregnant—Lord knows I’ve waited for a very long time. But my heart literally hurts when I see friends get to announce their pregnancies to screams of joy and astonishment, instead of smiles and hugs laced with concern and memories of pain.

Please don’t pity me, or think I’m pitying myself. This is my journey; this is the path I was led on. It’s just how my life is, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Sin and brokenness muck up this world, and this is one way it has affected mine. The discovery of pregnancy, in this household, was terrifying, even though we were trying so hard and wanting it so much. The memory of loss was too fresh, in spite of the time that had passed.

If you are a woman who is able to embrace the news of pregnancy with blissful joy, cherish it. Not all of us have that experience, and I’m so glad you do.

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About kristinlindeen

I am Kristin. I am Erik's wife. I am Joshua, Rebecca, and Andrew's mom. I am known nationally as the "QBQ! Daughter" and keynote on Personal Accountability and the QBQ. I am certified in Myers Briggs and am passionate about helping people understand themselves and others better. I am John and Karen's daughter. I am sister to many, mentor to some, friend to others. Most defining, I am Christ's daughter, adopted by God--rescued and saved by grace. And almost every single day, I need to be reminded of that truth. Come say "hi" at www.QBQ.com and of course, browse the blog! I'd love to hear from you, so comment away!
This entry was posted in On Being Infertile, On Being Pregnant, On Grieving, On Miscarrying. Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Innocence Lost

  1. I understand this completely. With loosing 3 babies to miscarriage, I always felt very afraid to announce our pregnancies too. And like you, especially after our first two in a row, no-one knew how to respond when we were pregnant with Samuel… Some days I wonder what those babies would be like… Were they boys, girls?… But then I look at our 3 miracles that God has given us, and I know out of heartache comes Joy. And someday, I really do believe that we will be able to meet our little ones that were lost… So happy for you and Erik! Praying over this little life and MIRACLE!!! Love you friend!

  2. Grammie says:

    Yes…this pregnancy we will always remember with the thoughts you have described here, Kristin…I continue to find people to share your news with of this baby we've prayed so much for…and I keep finding people who I had no idea were praying for this conception and the birth of this baby, for the past 2 years! We may never really know how many prayers have been prayed over this little one before he/she is even born…and the prayers of hope and peace continue as we all wait and rejoice with you now…stilling the fears in our hearts and believing for a "perfectly formed baby in your womb", growing every day until we can truly rejoice at his/her birth! Love you all…

  3. Jonathan says:

    I totally agree. Jon and I were talking about how this one won't probably set in completely until later in pregnancy. Still not really there yet. It's hard to let it set in at the same time… like you said, that fear of something for sure happening is so big. Like you said, with Breyton we never had 1 doubt of anything going wrong, and nothing did so with the 2nd we were the same way. Announced it on the earlier side and were completely taken back when it did happen. Makes you realize how much a miracle it really is and how much you cherish it. Love you! I'm so excited for you! I was thinking how big you're going to be since you're so short 🙂 You'll be the cutest preggo on the block. Jenn M

  4. Nick + Amber says:

    thank you Kristin, for sharing. Like you, I keep reminding myself that I should not be ashamed of this – Lord knows I wanted the baby I lost, and Lord knows we live in a broken world. I keep reminding myself that this is MY journey, and we all live different ones. I know God is using my situation for His good, and I know He is using yours too. Our lost babies' brief time here was not in vain. I am SO very excited for your 14th week. If I remember correctly, this is the farthest you've ever gotten in pregnancy. YAY!!!

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