I didn’t expect to care so much!
I was not prepared at all for my intense desire for a son. Especially after our journey with infertility, I was pretty certain I’d have the mentality of “Either/Or! As long as we get (just) one!”
But my oh my I want a boy!
I like to think that my completely and totally unfounded certainty that has no basis in anything and can’t be supported by any logic indicates that perhaps I’m experiencing a “gut feeling” and I really do have a little boy tumbling around inside of me.
But, I also know me. I know I like to be different. Not necessarily follow the trend. And the trend has been … female babies. I’m loving all the pink my friends get to cuddle with, but I’m ready for some blue!
But most times, I’m just quite concerned that in 3 weeks I’m going to feel very guilty as I’m shedding tears after hearing I’m having a girl.
And, it has come to my attention that I am actually afraid I’m going to feel embarrassed. Embarrassed? Yeah–embarrassed.
If you’ve spoken with me at all about this pregnancy, you know that we are hoping for a boy. I keep picturing myself sharing the news of a “Bubba-ette” to my friends, and feeling embarrassed. Like, “Oh yeah, hey, um, we’re actually having a girl….mumble mumble mumble *awkward silence*….”
Does this make any sense? NO! But do any emotions in pregnancy make sense? Not really!
Should I feel guilt? No. Should I feel embarrassment? No. Should I be worried about this? No. Because anytime I see that little “it” cartwheeling around in my tummy, I am filled with joy. Anytime I think I feel some flutters (I haven’t, BTW. All gas, round ligament and hunger pains so far) I am ecstatic and gender doesn’t matter. Anytime I shop for baby stuff, I’m just excited that it’s so little and soft–no matter whether it’s blue or pink.
But on that day, I will be very interested to see how I respond. And whether this strange certainty and ridiculously intense, unexpected desire for a son really is stemming from a gut feeling — or if it’s just me, bucking the trend!