Boy oh Boy.

Boy oh Boy … I’m tired.

I know I know … all you mothers out there are smiling that knowing smile as you read this. You’re thinking, “Yep! That’s motherhood Kristin–you asked for it!” “Yep! That’s motherhood Kristin–we tried to tell you!” “Yep! That’s motherhood Kristin–enjoy!”

Well, here’s something I wasn’t told. And I said it to my sister the other night.

Sometimes, I just want him to go away. 

My beautiful boy, my miracle from God, my precious son … sometimes I just want him to go away.

Not disappear, not cease to exist, not leave never to return … just go away. For more than a 45 minute nap.

And honestly, I’m to the point now where I don’t feel guilty about this feeling. It’s not “wrong”; it’s not “evil”.  It’s not post-partum or evidence of lack of love.

It just is. 

Just like my feelings during infertility were–it just is. Not good, or bad–just true. I love my son, and I really do enjoy him. But many days, those moments of enjoyment are so few and far between, and I feel so run down, and so not myself and so overwhelmed and so alone and so … dead inside. Not dead like I don’t have Christ or I’m not breathing, but dead in the sense of exhaustion. When I do have a moment to sit, I just zone. I space out; I leave my body. Sometimes, I just need a break.

But most times, I’m loving this. It works for me. It’s what I dreamed of and when that little guy smiles … my world lights up. And I remember how much love I have for this little dude, and I’m really glad he doesn’t go away.

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About kristinlindeen

I am Kristin. I am Erik's wife. I am Joshua, Rebecca, and Andrew's mom. I am known nationally as the "QBQ! Daughter" and keynote on Personal Accountability and the QBQ. I am certified in Myers Briggs and am passionate about helping people understand themselves and others better. I am John and Karen's daughter. I am sister to many, mentor to some, friend to others. Most defining, I am Christ's daughter, adopted by God--rescued and saved by grace. And almost every single day, I need to be reminded of that truth. Come say "hi" at www.QBQ.com and of course, browse the blog! I'd love to hear from you, so comment away!
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3 Responses to Boy oh Boy.

  1. Jenn Martin says:

    Yeah… I feel SO lucky to have a husband that works at home so I can get some much needed breaks every once in a while…or just a second hand to help! It's hard work being a mom! I was just thinking the other day that I would LOVE to get together with you before I go back to work (Aug 4) to have a play date and catch up! Love you friend. Keep persevering and lovin' on your little one! My friend had a "good reminder" blog post one day: http://faithandtravis.blogspot.com/2010/06/my-first-lesson-in-fatherhood.html

  2. Jen says:

    that feeling intesified more for me the older they got! The ages my boys are now–especially when they conspire together, drive me crazy! I so look forward to nap time, preschool time, bedtime–any little break I get so I have a chance to recharge my batteries! It is tough work being a mommy–but most definitely worth it!

  3. jenny says:

    Totally understand – as do, I think, most mothers and fathers. Bella was also a tough little cookie, and honestly, her first 6 months were the hardest of my life. Really, once 9 months came, I remember thinking, "Okay, I'm starting to enjoy this…". It just takes time – as I know you know – to become a new normal. Which is what I'm freaked out about #2 coming soon. Thanks for reminding me that it's worth it – b/c right now, I'm more scared than excited… 🙂

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