Boy oh Boy … I’m tired.
I know I know … all you mothers out there are smiling that knowing smile as you read this. You’re thinking, “Yep! That’s motherhood Kristin–you asked for it!” “Yep! That’s motherhood Kristin–we tried to tell you!” “Yep! That’s motherhood Kristin–enjoy!”
Well, here’s something I wasn’t told. And I said it to my sister the other night.
My beautiful boy, my miracle from God, my precious son … sometimes I just want him to go away.
Not disappear, not cease to exist, not leave never to return … just go away. For more than a 45 minute nap.
And honestly, I’m to the point now where I don’t feel guilty about this feeling. It’s not “wrong”; it’s not “evil”. It’s not post-partum or evidence of lack of love.
Just like my feelings during infertility were–it just is. Not good, or bad–just true. I love my son, and I really do enjoy him. But many days, those moments of enjoyment are so few and far between, and I feel so run down, and so not myself and so overwhelmed and so alone and so … dead inside. Not dead like I don’t have Christ or I’m not breathing, but dead in the sense of exhaustion. When I do have a moment to sit, I just zone. I space out; I leave my body. Sometimes, I just need a break.
But most times, I’m loving this. It works for me. It’s what I dreamed of and when that little guy smiles … my world lights up. And I remember how much love I have for this little dude, and I’m really glad he doesn’t go away.