I Don’t Want to Want It

“I just really don’t want to want it again, until I get it, and then I want to want it fully. Make sense?”

I muttered this to my husband as we both attempted to drift to sleep, each battling our own never ending colds and rarely silent thoughts. Fortunately (or unfortunately) he totally understood what I meant.

It’s starting. Well, really, it started to start in October, but now it’s really starting.

The baby itch.

Sigh. I’m so not ready for this ….

I got great news from two good friends yesterday. One friend is having a girl, and the other is newly pregnant. I’m so excited for them both! And then it hit me …. I want to announce a pregnancy. But I don’t want to start the process that is most likely inevitably our path to conception and pregnancy. I don’t want to chart, I don’t want to give myself shots, I don’t want to “try” and “try” and “try” …. I don’t want to want it, until I get it, and then I want to want it fully.

Make sense?

I’d like another child … perhaps even another after that. But the memory that is not far from my mind and my heart of the yearning and longing and painful waiting makes my stomach twist in knots. The fear of more miscarriages, later term miscarriages, gobs and gobs of money, days and days of charting … it’s almost enough to make me not want to try.

The thought of wanting to be pregnant, longing for it, yearning for it–it drains me. It scares me.

I don’t want to want it until I get it. If only we had the luxury of an “oops”.

As I told a good friend this morning, our journey to Joshua has touched so many others who have had similar struggles. I guess I can get behind another tough journey if it means we can touch more lives. But sometimes, often times, in my most genuine moments, I just want to be “that woman” who gets pregnant just by looking at her husband and carries easily to term. Sometimes, often times, I don’t want to be “that woman” who God works through in her pain and sadness to minister to others.

Of course, though, if this is our path–to struggle in this life to conceive our children and use that pain to touch others–then we are honored that God would redeem our pain, redeem our sadness, redeem our struggle for His good purpose.

It’d just be really great to not want it until we got it, but I’m guessing that’s not how this is going to go …. So, let’s get on with it!

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About kristinlindeen

I am Kristin. I am Erik's wife. I am Joshua, Rebecca, and Andrew's mom. I am known nationally as the "QBQ! Daughter" and keynote on Personal Accountability and the QBQ. I am certified in Myers Briggs and am passionate about helping people understand themselves and others better. I am John and Karen's daughter. I am sister to many, mentor to some, friend to others. Most defining, I am Christ's daughter, adopted by God--rescued and saved by grace. And almost every single day, I need to be reminded of that truth. Come say "hi" at www.QBQ.com and of course, browse the blog! I'd love to hear from you, so comment away!
This entry was posted in On Being Infertile, On Faith and this Life, On Learning to HOPE, On Miscarrying. Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to I Don’t Want to Want It

  1. Pingback: Plot Twist: Waiting for God to Speak | The Making of a Mother

  2. Grammie says:

    Praying without ceasing…that's what I do for you both…and for Joshua having a sibling one day. We are committed to the journey with you, Kristin and Erik…whatever that may look like this time. I'm sure you've found these verses…but I just studied them this morning~Hosea 6:1-3. In the times of being "torn to pieces" He will heal, He will bind up, He will revive us, He will restore us, He will provide strength, He will come. And one of your verses I'm sure~Hebrews 6:18-19~You are both taking hold of hope again…and I pray you will be greatly encouraged, as that hope is an anchor to your soul, firm and secure, on your journey to another baby! Love you!

  3. I know what you mean babe.

  4. Jen says:

    yay (for the getting on with it–not the struggle to get there)! Praying for baby success for you this next year!

  5. Kristin says:

    I know, friend … I know. 😦

  6. Bonnie says:

    I feel like I could read this over and over, I get it.

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