Many moms have commented on the blessing I enjoy of having my kids in a wonderful daycare. And yes, it’s a blessing! I’m so grateful to work from home, with such flexibility, with a lady who loves my kids I swear as much as I do! And you’d think on daycare days, I’d dive into work and get so much done.
But I don’t. At least not lately. I used to but now …
Increasingly, I feel aimless. Directionless. On M/W/F I get up, go through the motions with my kids, get them off to daycare, and think “I’ll be so productive!” And then I sit back, and it hits me: I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be here.
But acknowledging that line of thinking would mean acknowledging the maybe it’s time to leave. And I don’t want to. But I do. But I don’t. But I CAN’T. Because I’m not 100% sure we’re supposed to.
What is this whole thing called “calling”?
If I don’t want to live here, can’t I just leave? If we want to move, can’t we just move? Many people would say, “Oh COURSE you can! Do what’s best for your family and go home!”
Well, what’s best? Where’s home? How in the WORLD would we make that choice? If home is where my heart is then … my heart is with my husband and kids. But that’s not an answer … So if home is where family is … then I have two homes. If home is where friends are …. I have many homes. If home is where God is calling us to be …. well, then He’d better speak soon cuz I darn well can’t stay here, aimless and wandering, much longer.
I feel like I’m going crazy. I’m slowly going crazy. With no deadlines, no aim, no goal, no structure … Just the day in day out of life, going on 8 months of only “no” for answer … The planner in me just can’t handle this. The “pressure prompted” in me can’t do this. I’m getting nothing done because there’s no reason to! Seriously. I’m going to just start packing just to pack. To have something to start and finish.
About twice a week I call my mom and cry and say, “Mom! I feel like I’m going crazy! Why can’t I just pull it together? Why can’t I just do life, and enjoy where we’re at? Why am I so listless and depressed?”
And about twice a week she says, “Honey, give yourself a break. The unknown affects us more than we realize. The lack of closure hurts you more than you realize. This all hangs on you more than you realize. Give yourself a break.”
And that always shapes me up for a little while. Like, long enough to start a load of laundry, or maybe MAYBE do a 30 minute workout.
But seriously. I can’t call her just to have her remind me of that, like, 13 times a day!
I need a project. With a deadline. I need a purpose. I know I know—my purpose is to honor Jesus, lovingly raise my children, support my husband blah blah blah—but you know what I mean. I need to know what we’re walking TOWARD. I need to know where we’ll be this Fall. I need to know I need to KNOW I NEED to KNOW!!!!
God, please! How long, must I pray, must I pray to you? How long, must I wait, must I wait for you? (Thanks, Tenth Avenue North for those lyrics. They run through my head DAILY.)
Has anyone gone through this kind of “unknown” before? I know you’re out there … please share! I need to know there’s an end. I know in my head and heart that there is–and that someday this will be a blip on the map of our life. But right now … right now it’s just endless. So very endless.