For years, as a woman who struggled to successfully conceive a child, I struggled mightily with “The Oops.” I just didn’t understand how someone could have an oops, cry over an oops, be shocked by the oops, possibly even regret the oops.
I have a better understanding now.
Our third baby, which is wriggling away at 16 weeks inside of me, was a classic “Whoops!!” Of course, we embrace this baby as a miracle. A gift. An unexpected blessing that we simply weren’t planning on but will love and cherish and thank our good God for daily.
But man, do I now have a better understanding of the oops! I actually wrote a blog after my 4th conception (3rd miscarriage) that has turned out to be kinda prophetic: The Luxury of an Oops.
See, this time around, we miscarried an unexpected conception in July. For some reason, every couple of years, we have an “oops” in the summer time. 🙂 But if I’m not on rigorous prenatals and baby aspirin, I miscarry. It’s just what my body does. So, as we expected, we lost that baby at 6ish weeks. It just happens; it’s what, sadly, we’re used to.
But then, I actually had the luxury of an oops. Like I thought I never would. Like we thought we never COULD. While we grieved the loss of that little one, our 4th angel to go to heaven way, way early, while we hugged tightly to our two precious kiddos here on earth, and while we looked ahead to a big move, the vast unknown of our current lives, and while we debated ever even having a third child, God planned for us an “oops.” A miraculous, perfect little oops. He plopped it in our laps and said,
“I know it doesn’t make sense to you. I know you can’t see how this will work. I know you didn’t think you were ready. I know you thought you’d weren’t sure. I know you are surprised. But I KNOW this is good. And right. And, so, here you go.”
For the first time ever, I took a pregnancy test alone.
On the road. I was in Oklahoma for work, and I grabbed a test at a WalMart. I woke that morning, alone in a hotel room. In stark contrast to the other times when I’ve always tested and raced to Erik, usually still in bed, and told him the news. This time, when I got the positive test, I kept it to myself. I tried to think straight, and I went to work, and shared QBQ! with 50 some teachers. Then I flew to New Orleans. Slept. Woke. Went to work an shared QBQ! with 30 some high level execs for a travel company. Then I flew home to packing central and didn’t tell my husband. What a difference, this “oops.” I wasn’t sure how to feel, I wasn’t sure what to do, I wasn’t sure who to tell. Until finally, while having a “discussion” about some circumstances with my husband, I blew up and said, “… well and I’m PREGNANT!” and he said, “Well, I sure thought so!” (As if to say, I know you’re not NORMALLY this crazy!!)
It was the first time we got to share with family with JOY instead of nervous trepidation. It was the first time I could respond with “Yes! I’ve seen a heartbeat! The little Baby #3 seems okay!” It was the first time it was FUN to share our news.
There are days I still wonder, I still question God’s timing. But I can now say that I have been blessed with the luxury of an “oops”–the decision was made for me. I didn’t have to officially decide; He took care of that for us. And ready or not, on or around April 7th, Little Lindeen #3 will enter this world and change our lives for the better!