“Will the airplane run out of batteries?!”

Joshua after learning earlier this evening that Mommy, Becca and Andrew are going on a trip without him …

“Mama? I just weally weally don’t want your and Beccas and baby Andrew’s airpwane to, um, … Cwash….”

After affirming his concern and explaining it’s okay to be nervous but planes are quite safe, I reminded him to pray to Jesus when he’s worried.

“Ok mama. But mama, wike a long time ago, when you go on trips, and I wonder if the airplane is old and runs out of batteries and you cwash…Will your plane run out of batteries?!”

Oh man, these kids and what they process in their minds. And often it’s too easy to steamroll over them.

There’s always the to-do list: dishes to wash, laundry to fold, suitcases to pack… I really “don’t have time” for this.

And yet, laying here in the dark, typing this while Joshua’s hand iron-grips my forearm as he finally drifts off to sleep … I know this is what I needed to do with my time this evening.
THIS is motherhood. You’re witnessing the making of a mother.

Posted in Dear Josh, On Being a Mom, On Parenting | Tagged | 1 Comment

Week 32: I Didn’t Plan This

Today, I am 32 weeks with my third child. My third precious baby who kicks and wiggles and dances within me (causing me much discomfort, I might add).

5 years ago I was 32 weeks pregnant right around this time with my first born–Joshua. I found this old blog with some thoughts from my first “Week 32,” so I thought I’d repost as I’m now 32 weeks again with another blessing!

Glimpses of Me: Choosing Motherhood

It wasn’t long into college before I realized that I naturally mentor. I naturally teach, guide and counsel. Do I do it well? Well, that’s a whole other topic. But I realized quickly that I am a “developer of people,” as one skill set test creatively put it.

So, I always assumed that I would mentor people. First I wanted to be a high school guidance counselor, then I did become a R.A., and that led me to setting my sights on some sort of role in Student Life on a college campus. I tutored a young girl in NE Minneapolis and pondered a non profit path. From there I moved on to academic advising, got involved in youth mentoring through youth group, and poof–

Here I am shepherding women who struggle with infertility.

What?! I didn’t plan this …

I figured I would develop life plans, help choose colleges…

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2014 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

The concert hall at the Sydney Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 13,000 times in 2014. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 5 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.

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Motherhood Meltdown: The Day After

Ever had a Motherhood Meltdown? You know, when all of the pent up everything finally comes flowing (exploding?) out and you scare your husband and children half to death with your dramatic outburst and huge alligator tears?

Yeah. That. When you find yourself needing a paper bag to breathe in and out of, curled up on the closet floor because the bed in your room just felt too exposed. Your husband comes in and tentatively rubs your shin while you gag and cough and sob into your pillow. He asks, “What do you need?” and you choke out, “I … don’t … KNOW!!!!”

Your four year old comes in and stops in his tracks and says, “Oh … Mama’s having a bad day?” and the two year old pops her blonde curls in to say, “Oh … Mama not happy now?”

You spend an hour on the phone with your mom or some other female confidant, and you are reassured that this is totally normal, every mom has done it, we just need to “get it out,” and tomorrow will be better.

You rub at the smeared mascara, blow your grossly congested nose, and shuffle sheepishly downstairs to see how everyone is faring.

And guess what–they’re fine. The kids are a little concerned, but once they see you walking upright, they assume you’re okay. And your husband pretends he understands (though he and I and we all know he never really will, since we barely understand it ourselves).

The Day After. 

Isn’t The Day After the best thing ever? Filled with renewed drive and determination to make small changes (baby steps people, baby steps), and feeling quite “light” with all those emotions spewed over the walls and floor of the closet the night before, you’re ready to rumble.

Setting schedules, finding verses, getting advice, chanting mantras like “I AM capable. I CAN do this. God HAS gifted me,” you go about your day.

And it’s a great day. As long as you don’t throw up your hands in defeat the first time something normal happens. You know, like spilled milk, fighting kids, a whining four year old, an unexpected bill, burned oatmeal, subzero weather. As long as you don’t feel defeated the first time something doesn’t go perfectly, as long as you can roll with it and maximize The Day After the Motherhood Meltdown, it’ll be a great day.

I had a great day. 🙂

And, I chatted with another mom of two with one on the way, also due in April, and she laughed and said, “Yep! I’ve spent a lot of time sobbing in the closet. Works every time! I feel so much better later.”

So, mothers, go have your Motherhood Meltdown. You might feel a bit sheepish, but you’ll get some great hugs from your kids, and seriously–The Day After is totally worth it.

Posted in On Being a Mom | Tagged , , , | 2 Comments

Have a preschooler? Don’t hold a grudge.

This started as a Facebook status update, but I realized it’s a little bit of a blog. So, I’ll log it here, even though I rarely blog anymore.

I love bedtime conversations with my son. He was a bit of an emotional mess after a full day at preschool. But once I got over myself, and stopped being annoyed at him, I was able to talk him through his day, and then received some sweet smiles, and questions about Jesus, and requests to pray to Jesus and ask “to be strong and brave, sleep good, and have silly dreams.” So we did. 🙂

One of the best tips I ever read about dealing with toddler/preschool years is DON’T hold a grudge. It’s so easy to let their attitudes cause me to be grudge-y and angry and withdrawn. But I am an adult, and need to rise above. And I’m always glad when I do! It’s not easy; I have high standards that I don’t even realize I have, and those standards appear quickly and usually a little sarcastically when my children aren’t being happy, go lucky, and obedient. I get quite frustrated when the unreasonable emotions flair, especially when moments before or after, said-preschooler is just fine. Happy, even. But me holding a grudge, and growing, building, festering, stewing grudge, throughout the afternoon and evening is SIN in me as a mom. So I’m working hard to let it go, ask Jesus to help me “be brave and strong” and be the mom I know I can be.

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Joseph, Dreams, and Getting Out of a Pit

I haven’t been blogging much in this season, but here’s something my husband wrote a couple weeks ago that I thought I’d share. Enjoy!


josephI’ve been thinking a lot about Joseph this past year or so. Not Joseph, the adopted dad of Jesus. No, I’m talking about Joseph- the arrogant, young leader who had a vision from God.

You probably know the story: Joseph shared his God-given vision with those closest to him and what happened? He ended up in a pit. That’s when his dream died. Then things went from bad to worse.  He was falsely accused and he ended up in prison. I would bet all my guitars that he started questioning God’s plan and started doubting the vision that God had given him. He was in a dark place. A hopeless place.

But you know what? God was there. God was there in the pit. God was there when he was falsely accused. God was there in the dark place of that prison. And God had a plan.

You know…

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Now I Understand the “Oops”

For years, as a woman who struggled to successfully conceive a child, I struggled mightily with “The Oops.” I just didn’t understand how someone could have an oops, cry over an oops, be shocked by the oops, possibly even regret the oops.

I have a better understanding now.

Our third baby, which is wriggling away at 16 weeks inside of me, was a classic “Whoops!!” Of course, we embrace this baby as a miracle. A gift. An unexpected blessing that we simply weren’t planning on but will love and cherish and thank our good God for daily.

But man, do I now have a better understanding of the oops! I actually wrote a blog after my 4th conception (3rd miscarriage) that has turned out to be kinda prophetic: The Luxury of an Oops.

See, this time around, we miscarried an unexpected conception in July. For some reason, every couple of years, we have an “oops” in the summer time. 🙂 But if I’m not on rigorous prenatals and baby aspirin, I miscarry. It’s just what my body does. So, as we expected, we lost that baby at 6ish weeks. It just happens; it’s what, sadly, we’re used to.

But then, I actually had the luxury of an oops. Like I thought I never would. Like we thought we never COULD. While we grieved the loss of that little one, our 4th angel to go to heaven way, way early, while we hugged tightly to our two precious kiddos here on earth, and while we looked ahead to a big move, the vast unknown of our current lives, and while we debated ever even having a third child, God planned for us an “oops.” A miraculous, perfect little oops. He plopped it in our laps and said,

“I know it doesn’t make sense to you. I know you can’t see how this will work. I know you didn’t think you were ready. I know you thought you’d weren’t sure. I know you are surprised. But I KNOW this is good. And right. And, so, here you go.”

For the first time ever, I took a pregnancy test alone.

IMG_0088On the road. I was in Oklahoma for work, and I grabbed a test at a WalMart. I woke that morning, alone in a hotel room. In stark contrast to the other times when I’ve always tested and raced to Erik, usually still in bed, and told him the news. This time, when I got the positive test, I kept it to myself. I tried to think straight, and I went to work, and shared QBQ! with 50 some teachers. Then I flew to New Orleans. Slept. Woke. Went to work an shared QBQ! with 30 some high level execs for a travel company. Then I flew home to packing central and didn’t tell my husband. What a difference, this “oops.” I wasn’t sure how to feel, I wasn’t sure what to do, I wasn’t sure who to tell. Until finally, while having a “discussion” about some circumstances with my husband, I blew up and said, “… well and I’m PREGNANT!” and he said, “Well, I sure thought so!” (As if to say, I know you’re not NORMALLY this crazy!!)

It was the first time we got to share with family with JOY instead of nervous trepidation. It was the first time I could respond with “Yes! I’ve seen a heartbeat! The little Baby #3 seems okay!” It was the first time it was FUN to share our news.


I had my sisters who still live at home print this photo and place it on the fridge next to a picture of the three current grandkids that read “Buddy, Bug, Boo,” which are the three’s nicknames. 🙂 My parents were surprised, to say the least!

There are days I still wonder, I still question God’s timing. But I can now say that I have been blessed with the luxury of an “oops”–the decision was made for me. I didn’t have to officially decide; He took care of that for us. And ready or not, on or around April 7th, Little Lindeen #3 will enter this world and change our lives for the better!

Posted in Life Observations, On Being Infertile, On Being Pregnant | Tagged , | 1 Comment